28.1.07

En sevdiğim yazardan...


Yılın her ayrı günü yalnızca bir tek kişiye sunulmuş bir armağandır-en mutlu olana. Öteki insanlar onun gününü kullanırlar, güneşin keyfini çıkarır ya da yağmurdan yakınırlar, ama günün asıl sahibinin kim olduğunu bilmezler hiçbir zaman; o talihli kişi ise onların bu cehaletinden büyük zevk alır, çok eğlenir. İnsan hangi günün kendisine nasip olacağını tam bilemez, hangi önemsiz ayrıntıyı ömür boyu unutmayacağını da: su kıyısındaki bir duvarın üstünde titreşen yansımış gün ışığı mı, bir çınar yaprağının döne döne yere düşüşü mü? Zaten çoğu kez, yalnızca geriye baktığında kavrar o günün kendisine ait olduğunu, takvimin yaprağını koparıp, buruşturup masanın altına attıktan, üstündeki rakamı unuttuktan çok çok sonra anlar.

Vladimir Nabokov
Bir Gün Batımının Ayrıntıları s.295

Photo: Yedi Göller 2003

26.1.07

Stability

"Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity."

Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC)

22.1.07

Bir kafa öpücünün not defteri




Bugün hava güneşli ve serin.Cam gibi bir serinlik var.Ve aynı zamanda da temizlik. Yolda yürürken sinir uçların donuyor ama acıtmıyor canını. Burnuna çektiğin hava, ciğerlerine bir kütle halinde iniyor sanki. Havayı yutmak deyimine uyarcasına. Bölümün hemen girişindeki odama bugün 2 kedi ziyaretci geldi, birbirinden güzel ve mırnavv iki tüy yumağı. Dişi olanı epey gevezeydi, ben sevdikce miyavladı. Açtı besbelli ama benim ona verecek sevginin dışında bişeyim yoktu. Arkadaşlarımın bana taktıkları lakab geldi aklıma: Kafa Öpücü. Ne zaman bir hayvan görsem kafasını öpmek isterim çünkü. Şaka diil gerçekten dayanamam, hangi hayvan olursa olsun, çoğu kimseye en iğrenç görünenin bile kafasına dokunmak ve öpmek isterim...nasıl bir iç güdü bu bilemiyorum. Eskiden hayvanlarla ilgili bir işim vardı besbelli. Belki de hayvanların dilini konuşan bir kızılderiliydim:)


Belki de bu yüzden, vejetaryen bu kadar rahat olabildim. Çocukluğumda yerken hiç de zevk almadığım eti , belli bir bilince gelince, sanki hiç yememişcesine bırakabildim. Aklıma gelmişken işte vejetaryenlik hakkında bugün okuduğum bir yazı: http://indigodergisi.com/didem_02_16.htm


Resim: Woman and cats, Will Barnett


19.1.07

Feelings

"We have to become more conscious of our feeling-world. By learning to identify the ‘emotional baggage’ and manage our feeling-world reactions, we can view life based on current information instead of being held captive by our past."

Doc Childre

17.1.07

Su

Hoşuma gitti mail listesine gelen bu yazı...
Şu sıralar bulanık bir su iken, pes etmemeyi hatırlattı bana...

SU DA YORULUR.

Ayaklarimi dermansız kılan sey neydi?
Hareket ettirmeyen. Adım attırmayan. Öz degerimi düşüren. Özgüvenimi aşağı ceken.

Düşüncelerin dedi. Korkuların. Olumsuz düşüncelerin. Bir daha olmayacak diye fısıldayan. Bu son diyen. Hepsi aynı. Her şey aynı. Uğraşmak bosuna. Anlamı yok diyen. Bunlar tüketiyor seni. Bir amaç yoksa devinim de yoktur. Anlamı olmayansa amaç degildir. Onu niçin yapman gerektiğine ilişkin hatırı sayılır ve ikna olacağın bir anlam. İhtiyacın olan bu.

Ne zamandir yanimdaymis. Konusunca fark ettim. O konusunca ona yoneldim. Dusuncelerimle bogusmaktaydim. Sabah kalktigimda yorgundum. Bedenim butunlukten yoksundu. Kollarim, bacaklarim, basim hepsi kendi basina buyruk gibiydiler. Birisi devinmek istiyor digeri uyusmak sanki. Hepsi baska bir yone yonelmis. Komutadan yoksun askerler gibi.

Dogru der gibi basini salladi. Eger emrin altindakilere bir harita vermezsen, hedef tayin edip bunun ne anlama geldigini anlatmaz ve onlari ikna edemezsen hareket etmezler, emrini dinlemezler. Hareket etseler bile cabuk yorulurlar. Surekli gucsuz, yorgun ve takatsiz hissederler kendilerini. Zevk almazlar yolculuklarindan. Yasamlarindan. Etkili, enerjik, dengeli, neseli yurumelerini ve yasamalarini istersen bunu yapmaya deger bir anlam yuklemelisin yolculuklarina. Yasam gibi. Yasam da bir yolculuk degil mi?

Anlami mi yitirdim ben? Ne zamandir durgunum. Akmayan bir su gibi uzerimde pislik mi biriktirdim? Durdukca kirlendim. Kirlendikce durdum.

Bir sey soylemedi. Kendi dusuncelerimle mesgul oldugumdan sanki biraz daha bekledi. Kulagimi tam acincaya kadar. Gönle kulak yoluyla ilac verme zamaniydi aslinda. Durdum. Durdurdum. Tamamen ona yoneldim. Hatta tum bedenimle. Konustu:

Su durdu mu pislenir. Pislenince de duygu ondan igrenir, onu istemez (Mesnevi.5/200.)
Eller, ayaklar ve diger organlar askerler gibi durdugunu hisseder. Onlari harekete gecirecek olan seyse duygular. Motivasyonun kaynagi duygudur. Motivasyon hatta iki duygu arasinda kalan devinimdir. Devinimin bir anlami varsa ve o devinimin sonunda yasanacaklar anlamliysa, buna inaniyorsa var gucuyle devinirler. Yorulma bilmezler. O yuzden komutanin, padisahin inanilirligi da onemlidir. Sadece anlam yuklemesi yetmez aslinda, yukledigi anlamlarin da inanilir olmasi gerekir.
Durunca kirlilik artar ve duygu kendinden igrenmeye kendinden uzaklasmaya baslar. Ardindan kendine kizginlik ve ofke baslar. Bazen bu ofke kirletenlere yonelir. Bununla kendini korumaya calisir. Fakat nafile, eninde sonunda kendine donecektir ofkesi, kizginligi. Halbuki kirlenmek normaldir. Mademki su olmayi kabullenmis. Kirletecekler. Kirleri sudan baska ne temizler ki. Su yerine kir olmayi mi tercih edersin?

Hayir dedim. Su olmak kir olmaya yegdir.

O zaman dedi. Su oldugundan dolayi sikayet etmekten vazgec. Yeniden temizlenip akisa gecmeye odaklan.

Anlamli geldi. Bana bir hedef tayin etmeye ve bir amac belirlemeye baslamisti bile. Bu bile gulumsetti. Ellerimde ve ayaklarimda bir canlilik belirtisi hissettim. İlk adim temizlenme istegi.
Iyi de nasil? Nasili ben demedim. Yere bagdas kurup, basini one egip duran adam soyledi. Belli ki kirletenlerle mesguldu. Neye yarayacak ki dedi. Katiligi ve inatciligi can sıkıcıydı. Yumruklarimi sıktım. Elimden tuttu. Dur dedi. Uzunca bir zamandir hikaye anlatan bir masalci gibi, sözun orta yerlerindeymis gibi, onunla ilgisizmis gibi, hikayede sozu gecen birine seslenirmis gibi konustu:

A inatci, sen inat ettikce onlar da ederler. “Sen onlari bekleyedur onlar da bekliyorlar!..(Mesnevi.5/260)

Anlayanaydi sozu. Sonra tekrar bana dondu:

Ey kalp hastasi, ilaca saril. Butun tedbir, mizaci degistirmeden ibarettir.
Ey yemege rehin dusup hapiste kalan, sutten kesilmeye tahammul edersen yakinda kurtulursun.(Mesnevi.5/294-295)

Bu laflari cok duydum dedi adam. Bos lafa karnim tok. Olmuyor. Olmuyor. Beni kimse anlamiyor. Bunaldigim daraldigim da yanima kar kaliyor. Daha devam ediyordu ki konusmasina. Uzaklasalim dedi. Yanindan uzaklastik. Oturdugu yerdeki aci tahammul edilemeyecek hale gelinceye kadar devinmeyecek dedi. Su olmayi kabullenmedigi surece kir kalacak. Biz isimize bakalim. Sonra biraz da gulumseyerek ilave etti:

Tanri aleme ne de hos, ne de guzel bir sofra yaymistir. Fakat o sofra, asagilik kisilerin gozlerinden pek gizlidir.
Alem nimetlerle dolu bir bag olsa fare ve yilan yine toprak yer.
Ister kis olsun ister bahar, onlarin gidasi topraktir. Fakat sen varligin beyisin, nasil olur da yilan gibi toprak yersin?
Tahtanin icindeki kurt, kimin boyle guzel helvasi var der.(Mesnevi.5/300-303)

Su olmak ne demek? Sordum. Bilmeyi istedim. Basimi oksadi. Gozleri once gozlerime ulasti sonra da gonlume.

Su, birisinden altin keseleri calmis, nerede bir muflis diye her tarafa kosan birine benzer.
Yahut bitmis otlara dökülür; yahut bir yüzü yunmamisin yuzunu yikar.
Yahut da denizlerde elsiz ayaksiz gemiyi hamal gibi basinda tasir.
Onda yuz binlerce ilac gizli. Cunku her ilac oldugu gibi ondan yetisir gelisir.
Her incinin cani, her tanenin gönlü, bir eczane gibi olan suda yurur durur.
Yeryuzu yetimlerini o besler, kuruyup kalmis kisileri o yurutur.
Fakat mayasi bitti mi bunalir, yeryuzunde bizim gibi sasirir kalir.(Mesnevi.5/210-216)

Son cumle banaydi. Mayasi bitince yeryüzünde bizim gibi sasirip kalir. Bizim gibi dedigi ben. Su da yorulur. Kirlenir. Duraganlasir. Lanetler yagdirip kirlerden sikayet etmek degil cozum. Temizlenip maya tutup yeniden akmak gerek. Bunlari ben soyledim. Sonra utanip bagislayin der gibi yuzune baktim. Mahcup. Bu kez uzaklara bakiyordu.. Nasil diye sormustum ya. Bulandiktan sonra nasil temizlenir su? Anlatti:

Icten feryada baslar; Yarabbi, bana ne verdiysen verdim, yoksul kaldim.
Sermayemi temize pise doktum sarf ettim. Ey sermaye veren, daha yok mu?
Tanri buluta onu iyi bir yere gotur der. Gunese de ey gunes der onu yukariya cek!
Onu turlu turlu yollara surer, nihayet ucu bucagi olmayan denize ulastirir.
Bu sudan maksat velilerin canidir. O can, sizin kirliliklerinizi iyiden iyiye yikar, aritir.
Yeryuzundekilerin hiyanetliklerinden bunaldi mi yine arsa, temizlik bagislayana gider.
Yine o taraftan etegini ceke ceke gelir, o okyanusun temizliklerinden yeryuzundekilere ders vermeye kosar.
Halkla karismadan yoruldu mu o sefer “ey Bilal, sesinle bize bir huzur ver, bir istirahat ver.”
Ey guzel sesli Bilal ezan okunan yere cik, goc davulunu cal der.
Can sefere gitti beden kiyamda. Bu yuzden namaz bitince selam verilir iste.(Mesnevi.5/217-226)

Ayaga kalkti. Gitmeye koyuldu. Giderken unutma dedi:

Tortu gucluktur, safi da kolayligi. Saf, hurmaya benzer, tortu da hurma caglasina.
Gucluk kolaylikla beraberdir, kendine gel, umidini kesme. Bu olumden sonra hayata yol var.
Ogul ferahlamak istiyorsan cuppeni yirt da o safliktan hemencecik bas cikarsin.
Sofi safligi dileyen kisidir. Sofilik, sof elbiseyle, terzilikle, yavas yavas yurumekle olmaz.( Mesnevi.5/360-363)

Dr Faik Özdengül

15.1.07

Forgiveness

I thank deeply today to my intuitive "self" who helped me to see my past blockages and let them go...writing surely helped in that. Here is a beautiful quote that found me again, just at the right moment:)

It is one of the most fundamental things to understand. People ordinarily think that forgiveness is for those who are worthy of it, who deserve it. But if somebody deserves, is worthy of forgiveness, it is not much of a forgiveness. You are not doing anything on your part; he deserves it. You are not really being love and compassion. Your forgiveness will be authentic only when even those who don't deserve it receive it.

It is not a question of whether a person is worthy or not. The question is whether your heart is ready or not.
I am reminded of one of the most significant woman mystics, Rabiya al-Adabiya, a Sufi woman who was known for her very eccentric behavior. But in all her eccentric behavior there was a great insight. Once, another Sufi mystic Hasan was staying with Rabiya. Because he was going to stay with Rabiya, he had not brought his own holy Koran, which he used to read every morning as part of his discipline. He thought he could borrow Rabiya's holy Koran, so he had not brought his own copy with him.

In the morning he asked Rabiya, and she gave him her copy. He could not believe his eyes. When he opened the Koran he saw something which no Mohammedan could believe: in many places Rabiya had corrected it. It is the greatest sin as far as Mohammedans are concerned; the Koran is the word of God according to them. How can you change it? How can you even think that you can make something better? Not only has she changed it, she has simply cut out a few words, a few lines -- removed them.

Hasan said to her, "Rabiya, somebody has destroyed your Koran!" Rabiya said, "Don't be stupid, nobody can touch my Koran. What you are looking at is my doing." Hasan said, "But how could you do such a thing?" She said, "I had to do it, there was no way out. For example, look here: the Koran says, "When you see the devil, hate him." Since I have become awakened I cannot find any hate within me. Even if the devil stands in front of me I can only shower him with my love, because I don't have anything else left. It does not matter whether God stands in front of me, or the devil; both will receive the same love. All that I have is love; hate has disappeared. The moment hate disappeared from me I had to make changes in my book of the holy Koran. If you have not changed it, that simply means you have not arrived to the space where only love remains."

I will say to you, the people who don't deserve, the people who are unworthy, don't make any difference to the man who has come to the space of forgiveness. He will forgive, irrespective of who receives it. He cannot be so miserly that only the worthy should receive it. And from where is he going to find unforgiveness? This is a totally different perspective. It does not concern itself with the other. Who are you to make the judgment whether the other is worthy or unworthy? The very judgment is ugly and mean.
I can forgive the whole world for the simple reason that my forgiveness is absolute; it is nonjudgmental. I will tell you a small Tibetan story which will make the point absolutely clear to you.

A great old master, worshiped by millions of people, refused to initiate anyone into disciplehood. His whole life, consistently, he was asked by kings, he was asked by very rich people, he was asked by great ascetics, saints, to be initiated as his disciples, and he went on refusing. He would always say, "Unless I find a man who deserves it, unless I find a man who is worthy of it... I am not going to initiate any Tom, Dick, Harry."
He had a small young boy who used to cook food for him, wash his clothes, fetch vegetables from the market. The boy himself had become slowly, slowly old and for his whole life he had been listening to the old man, who had lived almost one hundred years, and without exception the denial: nobody is worthy! "I will die," he said, "without initiating anyone, but I will not initiate anyone who is nondeserving."
People became tired, frustrated. They loved the man, the man had immense qualities, but they could not understand his very stubborn attitude -- no kindness, no compassion.
But one morning the old man woke up his companion, who himself had become old, and said to him, "Run immediately down the hills to the marketplace and tell everybody that whoever wants to be initiated must come soon, because this evening as the sun sets I am going to die."
His companion said, "But what about worthiness? I don't know who is worthy and who is not worthy. Who have I to bring?"
The old man said, "Don't worry at all. It was only a device, because I myself was not worthy to initiate anyone, but it was against my dignity to say so. So I chose the other way round. I was saying, `Unless I find somebody worthy enough, deserving enough, I am not going to initiate.' The truth is, I was not worthy to be a master. Now I am, but the time is very short. Only this morning as the sun was rising, my own consciousness has also risen to the ultimate peak.
Now I am ready. Now it does not matter who is worthy and who is unworthy. What matters now is that I am worthy. Just go and fetch anybody! Just go and make the whole village aware that this is the last day of my life, and anybody who wants to be initiated should come immediately. Bring as many people as you can."
The companion of the old man was at a loss, but there was no time to argue. He ran down the hill, reached the marketplace and shouted all over the village, "Anybody who wants to become a disciple, the old man is ready now."
People could not believe it. But out of curiosity a few thought, "There is no harm at least to see what is going on." The man had refused his whole life, and on the last day of his life suddenly such a great change. Somebody's wife had died and he was feeling very lonely, so he thought, "It is good. If he is going to initiate everybody, no question of worthiness..." Somebody was released from jail just the night before; he thought, "Nobody is going to give me employment; this is a good chance to become a saint."

All kinds of strange people went to the cave of the old man, and his companion was feeling so embarrassed at the kind of people he had brought: one is a criminal, one's wife is dead, that's why he thinks, "It is better... now, what else to do?" Somebody has gone bankrupt and was thinking to commit suicide; now he thinks that this is better than suicide.
A few had come just out of curiosity. They had no other work; they were playing jazz and they thought, "We can play jazz tomorrow, but today there is no harm, let us see what this initiation is. Anyway, that man is going to die by the evening so we will be free to remain disciples or not. We can play jazz tomorrow -- there is no harm."
The companion of the old man was feeling very embarrassed, "How will I present this strange lot when that old man has refused kings, saints, sages, who have come with deep earnestness to be initiated? And now he is going to initiate this gang!" He was even feeling ashamed, but he entered and asked, "Should I call the people? -- eleven have come."
The old man said, "Call them quickly, because it is already afternoon. You took so much time and you could fetch just eleven people?"
His companion said, "What can I do? It is a working day; it is not a holiday. I could only get these. All are absolutely useless; even I could not initiate them. Not only that they are not worthy -- they are absolutely UNworthy. But you insisted to bring somebody; nobody else was available."
The old man said, "There is no problem. Just bring them in." And he initiated them all. Even they were shocked. And they said to the old man, "This is strange behavior. All your life you have insisted that one has to deserve to be a disciple. What happened to your principle?"
The old man laughed. He said, "That was not a principle, that was only to hide my own unworthiness. I was not yet in the position to be a master. And I cannot cheat anyone, I cannot deceive anyone; hence I have taken shelter behind a judgmental attitude, that unless you are worthy, you will not get initiation."
Obviously nobody is worthy.
Everybody has his own flaws, weaknesses; everybody has done things that he never wanted to do. Everybody has gone astray. Nobody can say that he is absolutely pure; everybody is polluted. So when the old man insisted, "Unless you are worthy don't come back to me," nobody argued with him; he was right. First they have to be worthy!
On the last day, he said to those eleven disciples, "I bless you and initiate you. It doesn't matter whether you are worthy or not, but for the first time I am worthy. And if I am really worthy, just my presence is going to purify you. My worthiness of being a master is going to make you a worthy disciple. Now I don't have to depend on your worthiness. My worthiness is enough.
"I am just like a rain cloud; I will shower all over the place -- on the mountains, on the streets, on the houses, in the farms, in the gardens. I will shower everywhere, because I am too burdened with my rainwater. It does not matter whether the garden deserves... I don't even make any distinction between the garden and the rocks. I will simply shower out of my abundance."
If your meditations bring you to the state of a rain cloud, you will forgive without any judgment out of your abundance, out of your love, out of your compassion.
In fact I would like to make the statement that the man who is unworthy deserves more than the man who is worthy.
The man who does not deserve, deserves more, because he is so poor; don't be hard upon him. Life has been hard upon him. He has gone astray; he has suffered because of his wrong doings. Now don't you be hard on him. He needs more love than those who are deserving; he needs more forgiveness than those who are worthy. The question is not whether anybody is worthy or not. The question is whether you have the consciousness, the abundance of love -- then forgiveness will come out of it spontaneously. It is not a calculation, it is not arithmetic.
Life is love, and living a life of love is the only religious life, the only life of prayer, peace, the only life of gratitude, grandeur, splendor.

Osho, The Great Pilgrimage: From Here to Here, chapter 24

12.1.07

Card for today


The moment you start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on your heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears. One starts living with a very light weight or almost no weight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky. Zen's greatest contribution is to give you an alternative to the serious man. The serious man has made the world, the serious man has made all the religions. He has created all the philosophies, all the cultures, all the moralities; everything that exists around you is a creation of the serious man. Zen has dropped out of the serious world. It has created a world of its own which is very playful, full of laughter, where even great masters behave like children.

Osho Nansen: The Point of Departure Chapter 8

11.1.07

Art



Art is the conscious apprehension of the unconscious ecstasy of all created things.

Cyril Connoly

10.1.07

Test

If you are bored and want to take an informative break, here is a good one! Honestly I am quite surprised by the outcome of mine: INFJ
Enjoy it!

9.1.07

Today's Tarot Reading2



The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else. The politics is within you; it is between the two parts of the mind. A very small bridge exists. If that bridge is broken through some accident, through some physiological defect or something else, the person becomes split, the person becomes two persons and the phenomenon of schizophrenia or split personality happens. If the bridge is broken - and the bridge is very fragile - then you become two, you behave like two persons. In the morning you are very loving, very beautiful; in the evening you are very angry, absolutely different. You don't remember your morning...how can you remember? Another mind was functioning - and the person becomes two persons. If this bridge is strengthened so much that the two minds disappear as two and become one, then integration, then crystallization, arises. What George Gurdjieff used to call the crystallization of being is nothing but these two minds becoming one, the meeting of the male and the female within, the meeting of yin and yang, the meeting of the left and right, the meeting of logic and illogic, the meeting of Plato and Aristotle.

Osho Ancient Music in the Pines Chapter 1

5.1.07


"Sadece sevgiyi yaşayarak korkularınızı atlatamazsınız. Korkuyla, onu kabullenerek ve bütünüyle deneyimleyerek uğraşmalısınız".

Strephon Kaplan Williams
Gizli Benliğiniz, Tracey Marks, s115
Foto: Harleem, Hollanda, 2001

Life is action from the beginning to the end

I do not know if you have noticed in the morning, high up in the sky, the big vultures, the big birds, flying without a movement of their wings, flying by the current of the air, silently moving. That is action. And also the worm under the earth, eating—that too is activity, that is also action. So also is it action when a politician gets up on the platform and says nothing, or when a person writes, reads, or makes a statue out of marble. That is also action when a man, who has a family, goes to the office for the next forty years, day after day, doing drudgery work without much meaning, wasting his life endlessly about nothing! All that a scientist, an artist, a musician, a speaker does—that too is action. Life is action from the beginning to the end; the whole movement is action.
Khrishnamurti
Collected Works, Vol. XV - 344

4.1.07

Kendi kendime

İçimde bir yerde sıkışıp kalmış bir ilham, bir tutku bir heyecan var...ama o kadar derinlerde, o kadar silik, ve o kadar şekilsiz ki...varlığını sadece HİSSETTİRİYOR...bir türlü şekle bürünüp, somutlaşıp çıkamıyor ortaya..sadece, bazen bana bakan insanlar gözlerimin içinde onu görebiliyor ve o ışığa çekiliyorlar..
Ben de aynaya bakıp aynı ışığı görmeye çalışıyorum, ama uzun süre aynaya bakınca yok oluyor insan...
Yeni yılın bu ilk günlerinde şunu düşündüm: Sabah kalkınca, yaşama sevinci, herhangi bir işi zevkle, tutkuyla yapmak için duyulan heyecan, kendini yokoluncaya kadar verecegin bir kayboluş/varoluş yoksa içimde..o zaman yaşamıyorum gerçekte...ölüyüm ben yaşayan...yeniden doğmak için çabalayan...Sürekli ölüp doğuyorum aslında...ama bazen ölü devreler uzun geçiyor...nadasa bırakılan toprakta filizler geç çıkıyor...
oturup beklemekle olmuyor, yoksa oluyor mu? Bilmiyorum...
Kendi kendime yim hayatta,
Kendi kendime konuşuyor,
Kendi kendimi keşfediyorum...
Her geçen gün
Doğmayı beklerken, ölüyorum...